"We are simultaneously teachers and students in every encounter of our life".
"If you build a house whose foundations only have a unique support system and that particular support collapses, your house will collapse"Wayne W. Dyer
- 1 The education of children
- 2 Set standards
- 3 The steps to follow to establish standards
- 4 How to make decisions about your child
The education of children
The following paper tries to contribute ideas that guide a good relationship between parents and children and is aimed primarily at those parents who, perhaps like you who read it, agree on the statements that I will present below, but nevertheless you have difficulties in that things be like this:
- Parents and children are not equal in all aspects. The child's natural dependence on safety, support and food gives parents a natural responsibility over large areas of the child's life.
- Parents who punish children who do not behave as expected of them are not "bad parents." The punishment It is only bad when:
- It does not work to change a child's behavior
- Carry unwanted consequences for the child
- Parents promote a sense of security in children when they say exactly what they want, when they say it clearly and when they are consistent and predictable in their behavior.
- A child can develop his sense of responsibility only when he is held responsible for his actions. This sense of responsibility can and should be taught by parents.
- Parental authority does not have to be exercised abusively, mean, hard or harmful to the child. However, the authority corresponds to the parents.
- Most of the difficulties between parents and children arise from the struggle that is established to have power and control. Parents should know how to win this battle when necessary, so that they can empower their children when it is most advisable.
The keys to resolving most of the difficulties that parents have with their children are to establish rules, mark the consequences that result from the breaking of those rules and use a consistent discipline.
Effective rules help the child feel safe, so you don't have to behave badly.
A set of norms defines the relationships between family members, offers guidelines for making decisions and provides ideas on how changes should occur within the family. The procedure of establishing norms and limits for children is not immovable because they must be adjusted to changing circumstances such as physical growth, intellectual and emotional maturation and the new conditions of family life. If such a process does not occur in the family, chaos will be inevitable. All its members will feel insecurity and anxiety when there is a lack of understanding and confusion regarding the role that each one must play in order to have adequate behavior.
The steps to follow to set standards
A) Observe the children carefully
The mere presence of the parents makes a child's behavior not really what he would have. To understand these "other" behaviors we must be able to observe children without them noticing our presence. Also ask friends or relatives what they think about your child's behavior. When a child is observed, what should be avoided is the tendency to be only the things he does wrong, rather than observing his general behavior.
One of the main difficulties parents experience when they observe their children derives from their desire to intervene in their behavior. If you want your child to behave "properly", remember that an unfortunate intervention can only achieve unwanted behavior.
B) Analyze problem situations
First, find out what the problem is. The best way to define a problem is to identify a behavior that you want to change.
One of the temptations that parents most frequently suffer when defining a problem is to want to modify the emotional state or feelings of the child. The most effective, on the contrary, is to try to modify the behavior. If a behavior is modified, the majority of times also changes the emotional state that sustained that behavior.
Once the problem is defined, the next step will be to analyze it. To do this we need all the information we can gather: When did it arise? How? What are its consequences? What part of it belongs to us? How do we react? Do we understand why we react that way? What would we like to do? How would we like this situation to be solved by itself? To analyze each problem, the most convenient thing is that the parents, among themselves or with another person, are able to speak.
After analyzing it, the next step will be to consider the different possibilities to solve it. Then, it will be advisable to review each of them taking into account if we are able to do what each possibility requires, the probable consequences that this may have on the child and on ourselves, and also if the solution is reasonable as far as time is concerned. , energy and money.
C) Set the standards
- The rules must be reasonable
- Parents should make sure they can distinguish when the norm has been met and when it has not.
- You have to describe the rules in detail
- The rules must set a time limit
- There must be some expected consequence if compliance with a rule is broken
D) Be consistent when applied
Consistency is a way of informing the child that parents really think what they say. The consistent application of good standards will promote order and discipline in the family, give security and contribute to everyone offering a better disposition.
How to make decisions about your child
Parents who find it so difficult to make decisions regarding their children have no confidence in how they should act.
For certain parents, any result that is not an immediate and spontaneous understanding or an effective response to difficulties is a sign of their personal disability. This is real nonsense, NOBODY BORN BEING A FATHER. On the contrary, being a father is something you learn.
It is not easy to make decisions about how to proceed with children. We have to do what we can with what we have. As a parent, you will need time to sit quietly to analyze your children's difficulties and to decide what to do.
When parents are undecided in relation to their children, they perceive it and this affects their feelings of security and well-being.
If we are wrong to choose, parents and children continue together and we can correct mistakes made in the past. This willingness to act decisively, even when faced with the possibility of making mistakes, is what allows the adult to acquire a certain degree of confidence, which in turn will provide him with the ability to correct his mistakes.
Parents who are undecided offer their children an unbeatable opportunity to be capricious and dominant creating a climate of increasing tension.
When parents are also willing to admit your mistakes and learn from themThey are also creating the necessary climate for children, in turn, to admit their own mistakes and learn from them.